perpetual.

I went to the chiropractor today. It was such a blessing I got to go in, that there was an opening.
My mama let me drive, on the way there, and it was fantastic. I made little "vroom vroom" sounds as I passed people ( I had to drive fast , of course ), had dance parties with my brother, and made a two and a half hour drive cut down to a one and a half excursion of awesomeness.
Of course, every good thing has to end.
I just love my chiropractor, Dr. Benson. We all call him Doctor Brian, because we've known him for 8 ish years now. Forever, to say the least. He uses this technique that is seriously practiced nowhere else in the entire known universe. He's that awesome. Anyways, he adjusts me today (and no scary popping, or crying, or stoppage of breathing.. it's brilliant), and tells me news that I'm not sure I want to hear.

My L4 disc is tipped. Ironically, when my dad broke his back, it was his L4 vertebra. Coincidence.

I have yet to have an MRI. I don't know the entire extent of ridiculous torment I've placed on my poor L4 disc, but at the very least, it is swelling under an intense amount of compression and stress, a.k.a. a bulge. It is possibly torn, as well, but only an MRI will show that. As such, I'm restricted to walking, resting, ice, and a few exercises from PT. Oh, and jamming out on the guitar with my seester.

I started the rest of the day off with a collapse in a mall, a long drive home, another collapse on my floor in the living room, and an utter resignation. So I built an island, on the floor of my living room, that has been named Sparta by the one and only seester of mine in Utah. The floor turned into lava, according to my brother, so Island Sparta is protecting me today, it seems.

Oh, and I love my daddy. He wanted to talk to me while he was working for his striping company, so while he was outside stripping his stencils of the paint so he can make aluminum stencils for the airport, he had me sit down on a bucket next to him and peel paint off with my fingers. To give me something to do, and make me focus on a new pain. My fingers are raw, and it's a beautiful thing.

All in all, a good day. An informative one. And a blessed one. Looking forward to the next.

pensive.

I wish you were here. But you're not, you're there. And there doesn't know how lucky it is.

Just a short update, today, so as not to completely overwhelm myself. I find myself so blessed, and I do not regret coming home in the slightest. I needed to come home and be with family. God blesses me so very much, with strength when I feel completely without, with hope when I feel entirely downtrodden, with a smile when it seems impossible to smile. He gives me so much.
I wish I could change how much I affect the people around me; that would be the one thing I change about this situation. I can get through the pain, it is but a physical ailment that I need to endure. I am supposed to learn from it. The helplessness I see in the eyes around me, in those watching me go through this, hurts more than my back does. My mom cried yesterday, without comfort, because I was in pain. I try to be strong, but it doesn't help.
I keep praying for the best, as I suppose I must.
We hopefully will be able to get in to the chiropractor tomorrow morning, for my second appointment. We're not sure yet, but I'm praying for it. If it happens any other day this week, I will have to go myself: driving two and a half hours up and back. Fingers crossed, heart praying. Here goes nothing.

patience.

wait and hope. 

I must have patience with myself, and with the people around me. This may be one of the hardest times in my entire life, but I will make it through. God is good, so life is good. 

I went to MY chiropractor today, a blessing I have taken for granted. The diagnosis, as of yet, is that my L4 disc is tipped a weird direction, causing bulging, inflammation, and all of the rest of this adventure. We are going to do everything we can to avoid surgery, thank the Lord. It's a long drive to that doctor, but that honesty and incredible technique is worth it. 

There are obviously many reasons I was supposed to come home. I know that I am supposed to be enduring this trial, as I learn so much in every moment of every day. And I know that God is with me; I feel Him strengthening me in my moments of weakness, giving me hope in my moments of despair. No matter what happens, Christ has the power to heal me. And He will, if I am strong. If I am faithful. If I never give up. 

My family is so incredible. I feel like I haven't seen them in years, in how much they've changed; and yet, they are still the exact same people. My brothers are still just as crazy as I am, my sisters just as dramatic. When my oldest brother told me he had his seminary class pray for me, though, I thought I would die from the incredible spirit that overcame me. He is such a powerful example to me, of the faith that I need to have and obtain. I am so grateful that I have the chance to go through this with them. 

Those are the contents of my heart.