develop.

The only way a person can grow is through a challenge, through a change. Sometimes the change is something small, like a friend moving or starting a new hobby. There are times, however, where the entire world seems to throw itself on its head and scream, demanding a dramatic paradigm shift that would have never happened otherwise. That, my friends, is how this semester has been. One day, I was just doing my thing, and everything flipped. No warning, no way to fight it. It just, happened. They say that if you wear glasses that make the world appear upside down, it takes three days for your eyes to adjust. I'm here to tell you, it takes three months. Three long, difficult months where you have to get used to walking on the ceiling and reaching for the light switch in a different place and everyone in your life looking different than they ever have before. And yet, to them, nothing changed. No one notices the difference, they just adjust over night and move on. While you're stuck in that three month transition, be warned. It's a life changing experience, whether you wanted your life changed or not. 

Back in the day, when a person took a photograph, they had to develop it from a negative. The picture that looked bizarre, even unrealistic, that turned into a work of art. Of course, you can take that as a metaphor and it can be religious, or inspirational, or something that just makes you look at your day a little differently. But to me, it's just a statement of fact. That's how life is, sure. One day at a time, I take a picture. A moment, a memory, a friend that I love. Each time I do, I wonder. All of us are in a different place, in life, or in our thoughts. Yet we are all in the same place. Here I am, at BYU, and I am finishing with finals. So what? So is every other student on campus. But at the same time, HERE I AM. I MADE it to finals. I finished my hardest one, and I am looking to make it a triumphant finish. I want to conquer the world this week, starting today. That is NOT where each student on campus is. Some are weary, some have bleak outlooks on the rest of this week. The choice to conquer is mine. It seems like that should be incredibly important, but I can't really put to words why it is. Or why it should be. 

My name is Kayla Ludlow. I am 6'1" tall, I weigh more than I would like. I have blue eyes and brown hair. I am athletic, I am ambitious, and I am strong. I had a piece of toast and an egg for breakfast. I am completely uncommon. However, I am also entirely unique. 

It's interesting to see the change, from during my three month transition to now. I honestly can't wait to see the rest of the growth. 

expansion.

Today was one of those days. Where everything is fighting against you, bringing up painful memories, showing you your worst qualities and demonstrating them in a way not even you can ignore. My whole world was fighting against me. With some help from my glorious Bishop, I am moving on. This day will not only be in my mind because it was a challenge, but also because I have accepted it. I have made plenty of mistakes in my lifetime, this I already knew; in the last few hours, it seems they have all been compounded and thrown into my face with a violence otherwise unprecedented. After the general upheaval ceased, and with many pointers from those I love, I am looking to learn instead of prove. This is what I have learned, or am in the process of learning.

I am not as strong, smart, or brave as I thought I should be.

However, that does not mean I am not strong, smart or brave.

In fact, I am all three. Not as much as I want to be, but I know where I'm at. And I am proud of how far I have come.

I do not have to prove myself to anyone. I know me. I know my limitations, and I know my strengths. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to realize my limitations, but I'm learning them. And that's what counts.

I can learn from my experiences, and that is what the last few months have been. I have finally accepted that.

I love my family, I love where I am, and I am learning to love myself.

Isn't life, great?

love love me.

I am OBSESSED with the band MIKA right now. It's kinda the best thing I've ever heard in my life. THey're upbeat and hilarious, and I LOVE them. Love Today. Best song ever.

This week has been pretty good! The sun is out, the world is happy. It's 43 outside, so I got to wear just a t-shirt and jeans to school. First time I've been able to do that in a LONG time. Seriously. I love it. SO MUCH. Everyone in the whole city is happy, you can just feel it. People smile at each other on campus, no matter what complications arise in their day. We say hi to each other like more civilized people than college students. And the cars DON"T always try to run you over! That is most definitely a change. A week ago, I met this girl Renee who lives on the floor above me in my apartment complex. You'll never guess-- turns out we're almost the same people. I almost want to call my mom and see if we were twins at birth. No joke. We met on this date, that came up out of nowhere. Super funny. Apparently she was trying to leave the whole time because she had school stuff to do. We run into each other a few times since, and we've had people ask us if we're related. Not in a :are you guys related? way; rather, it was more of a "PLEASE tell me you guys are related." She finishes my sentences, we talk the same, we don't get along with girls very well. She plays volleyball like a beast. And I don't know where she's been all my life! She lived in a small town in CA, close to Camarillo. Crazy, right? I still don't understand completely, but I appreciate it. It's kinda FREAKING awesome.

These night terror things are definitely not going away yet. I give it until the end of the week, and then I will get a blessing. It shall be an interesting experience. The crazy thing, as tired as I am, I feel alive for the first time in a while. I'm not sure entirely what was bogging me down. The physical exhaustion I feel cannot keep me from grinning and dancing around and just enjoying this moment. Even if the next moment I pass out of exhaustion.

I"M SO HUNGRY. Ooops. I ate already! I'm not supposed to be hungry again! But I am. Hopefully Meg will keep me from eating everything we have in the house.

IT"S SO FLUFFY I"M GONNA DIE. oh. And Megamind was awesome.

Peace and Blessings, peace And blessings.

here comes the sun.

it might be coming. not sure. it keeps pretending. but it's out right now!

Just a short post today, I think. SO much to do. Work today was fantastic, as always. I switched buildings the beginning of this week, so I'm in 10M with Charl now. Nate comes to visit every now and then though. I don't think he handles April very well. Anyways. Nate was standing by my custodial closet door while I was talking to one of my Elders who was done way early, right? I was trying to come up with a job for him to do, because it always seems that we run out of jobs for them, especially on Wednesdays when we have about 10 elders. The Elder kept going on and on about how it was totally okay if I couldn't find a job, which I don't think I could. I ended up telling him to "have a sit". Nate whirls around and goes, "Did you just say, have a sit?" It turns out, I'm picking up Australian! They ALWAYS talk like that there. And because Nate went to Australia and speaks it all the time, and Tashina and Charl are New Zealander/ Hawaiian, I'm going to have the most awesome polynesian accent speaking capabilities at the end of this job. I LOVE It.

Also on the mind today: basketball. We talked about sports today at work, and I can't get it off my mind. First, because I am SO stoked for the game today! More for the game on Saturday (SDSU!!!!!!) but especially for today because I can go! I love going to the games. Second, because I wish I could play half decently. I have absolutely NO skills at it. It's somewhat sad.

FINAL note. Who decided growing up was necessary? I mean, really. Rent is due next week, I have to make sure I eat on my own? What is this nonsense? And I have bubbles that have not been touched in way too long. Just saying.

callin me sugar.

seems like I should work on keeping this updated more often. life has gotten kinda freaking crazy though. you know? the days where I leave at five thirty and don't get back until after ten at night are my favorite. not ONLY because I'm crazy, but I love having so much going on in a day.

I LOVEEE my job. SO much. I can't even fully describe it. It's very low-key, even though there is so much to do. I have only gone one day so far without seeing someone I know. David Squire, my FHE bro from Winter semester last year. Ricky Andreason. Shavonne Fielding. Jenessa's brother. Hilary Casperson. Jeff Dunn. There are more, I just can't recall them now. No kidding though, it's awesome. My coworkers, my boss, they're just fantastic. There are three coworkers who I feel like I know decently by now, and they're all super chill. Two are Polynesian, and one thinks he is because he served his mission in Australia with lots of Tongans. I'm not one to pop his bubble. The Polys are Tashina and Charl, and Nate is the other. They crack me uppp. Yesterday, Nate tried to clean a missionary's nametag (it had sticker on it?) and used the most powerful chemical we have. It's known for taking off TAR for goodness' sake. He sprays it, goes and gets a rag to get it off, and right after he wiped it he just pulled an "Oh. Crap." The poor missionary. It was so funny. The chemical took off ALL the paint. Luckily, he ordered a new one from the front desk. I could NOT stop laughing about it though.

This morning, my boss Merlene was talking to us about something spontaneous (that's pretty much normal for her) when a group of three elders came in with a box. Apparently, she knows one of their aunt's? anyways. She started talking about the aunt and her family with the one elder, and I kid you not, she talked herself into different tangents. She went from the family, to her homemade spaghetti, to homemade applesauce cake compared with normal, to Chile (where the elders were going on their missions) to Mexico and the warfare there, to 8 pairs of garments in the middle of the night. I still am not exactly sure what happened, but it was hilarious. I wish everyone knew her, so they could understand how she talks and get exactly how great it was. Tashina was hiding behind me so she wouldn't offend Merlene she was laughing so hard, Anna almost fell on the floor, and the poor elders were just standing there awkwardly in the doorway. It seriously made my entire day.

Oh, how I love being sore. I did some different things with my training yesterday, trying to improve more. I  might be able to run starting in April, and I want to do everything I can to get there. Goodness, though. Walking to work this morning was an adventure. Oh man, I swear work is the only place I come up with stories anymore. That's pretty much the entirety of my social interaction.

Minus Ethan! Does he count? I see him everyday to work on my setting and passing form (which the PT said was completely okay, don't you even worry). He's hilarious, and his photography has gotten super good. I don't know any real technical words for it, but he's dang good. And who knew, but he's way good at EVERYTHING he does. EMT trained, plays piano and violin, was 3rd in his state for breast stroke for swimming, danced hip hop for years, graduated high school as a college sophomore, and picked up photography only a year ago. Crazyness. I'm way proud of him though! He better call me later, or I will kick him. He has a wedding shoot today, or we would have already been setting. :)

Oh, and a few people in my ward, I suppose, too. I see Ben and Austin a bunch, usually. Austin was here for like three hours the other day, chillin and listening to me read microbiology out loud. I love that class! I always learn so much from it. It was hilarious that he was there for so long though. The Beatles were playing in the background, which is almost his favorite band, so that's what I attribute it to. That and he's trying to get me to see scary movies, because he found out that I've never really seen any. We watched Disturbia (kind of a lame movie, not scary at all) one weekend, and we watched The Others with Nicole Kidman last weekend. That one was really well done, I thought, but it wasn't necessarily scary. I slept just fine. There was a fantastic twist at the end that Ben and Austin both had to explain to me for a while after though. Once I got it it was good though!

Other interesting things? Not a lot. I'm tired a lot, because of work and the fact that I can somehow still NOT go to sleep before like midnight-thirty. I need to work on that. I fell asleep for an hour more than I was supposed to today after we did laundry, I was so exhausted. I'm so glad my mama called me! Not only because I luff her super much, and I miss her, but because she has the most brilliant timing in all the world. Whew. LIFESAVER mama.

I remembered something else! I signed my contract for my apartment for the next year! I'm kind of ridiculously excited. Here is the roommate line-up: Me, Meg, Heather, Ally, Kelly, Brittany. I LOVE these gurls. Heather is planning on leaving on a mission next Winter semester, so she won't really be staying the full year (CAN YOU BELIEVE WE'RE THAT OLD?!) but we will have plenty of shenanigans in the meantime. I mean, we will be completely productive.

Also. I think Heather and Meg and I (and potentially more... if more, the better! It will be MUCh cheaper the more people we get) are planning a trip to California this summer! Not sure when, it will depend on school and when I can get work off. But I am already going crazy without sun and sand, from Arizona. Seriously. I might die. I figure after six plus months of going straight on school, PT, and work, a Cali trip is completely acceptable. Plus, after seeing the beach, we might see other important people in Cali! Family? maybe. Still up in the air.

Another thing! Man, it's been a while. I never have this much to say at one time. I've decided to try hip-hop dancing! The low impact stuff, don't stress. I think it's time I try something a little different. I need to shake it up a little bit. Who knows, I might be a straight up natural gang-bangster! :)

Okay, that was it for now. I think.

No, it was.

tenacious.

THere is a massive list of things I do, I can do, and I can't do. It goes forever. Really. My PT gave me very specific things today that I can and can't do, with time frames, for now. If I put them here, maybe I will be more diligent in keeping them.
1. NO squats. Minimum of a year.
2. NO lunges. Minimum of a year.
3. No weights on the shoulders, meaning no shoulders presses and the like. with the exception of lat pulls, to be done on a machine only. Minimum of a year.
4. Continuous training. Wall sits, superman adaptations, quadriped, core strengthening, physio ball work, leg presses, hamstring curls, etc.
5. Most nirtulus machines are okay, but careful attention to hip and core strengthening.
6. Bench press and incline okay, with careful attention to not over do it and strain my back. Must do with knees up, feet on bench instead of floor.

That's just the beginning, but you get the idea.
So while there is a list, a long list of adventurous things that can and can't be undertaken, I know what I'm doing now. I know how to get my hip to stay in place, I know what it feels like when it isn't. This last year has been an adventure, in a way that I'm not sure I could handle again. But God is good, and He has never left my side. He has strengthened me through it all, and He has taught me humility and to care for myself in a new way. I'm super stoked to go back, even with all the things I will not be able to do. Six days. I can do it, I can become better. And you better believe I will, with the help and grace of God.
New year. New me. Healthier, smarter. Stronger.
It's a good idea, if you ask me. :)

treasure.

"I'm so proud of you, girl! You're going to make it!!"

I don't know if you can fully comprehend the impact those words had on me, this fine Friday morning, but I do. I grinned and finished icing, before walking into the parking lot. I started to cry in the car, the triumph and sweet joy more than I could contain.

I'm going to make it.