tenacious.

THere is a massive list of things I do, I can do, and I can't do. It goes forever. Really. My PT gave me very specific things today that I can and can't do, with time frames, for now. If I put them here, maybe I will be more diligent in keeping them.
1. NO squats. Minimum of a year.
2. NO lunges. Minimum of a year.
3. No weights on the shoulders, meaning no shoulders presses and the like. with the exception of lat pulls, to be done on a machine only. Minimum of a year.
4. Continuous training. Wall sits, superman adaptations, quadriped, core strengthening, physio ball work, leg presses, hamstring curls, etc.
5. Most nirtulus machines are okay, but careful attention to hip and core strengthening.
6. Bench press and incline okay, with careful attention to not over do it and strain my back. Must do with knees up, feet on bench instead of floor.

That's just the beginning, but you get the idea.
So while there is a list, a long list of adventurous things that can and can't be undertaken, I know what I'm doing now. I know how to get my hip to stay in place, I know what it feels like when it isn't. This last year has been an adventure, in a way that I'm not sure I could handle again. But God is good, and He has never left my side. He has strengthened me through it all, and He has taught me humility and to care for myself in a new way. I'm super stoked to go back, even with all the things I will not be able to do. Six days. I can do it, I can become better. And you better believe I will, with the help and grace of God.
New year. New me. Healthier, smarter. Stronger.
It's a good idea, if you ask me. :)

treasure.

"I'm so proud of you, girl! You're going to make it!!"

I don't know if you can fully comprehend the impact those words had on me, this fine Friday morning, but I do. I grinned and finished icing, before walking into the parking lot. I started to cry in the car, the triumph and sweet joy more than I could contain.

I'm going to make it.

t-minus.

I'm racing the calendar, these days. T-minus twelve days until Christmas, seventeen days until January, twenty days until the semester starts. So much to do, so much to accomplish. The best thing about it, other than the glorious feeling of being busy and having a schedule, is I am. I'm succeeding, doing work, showing up the doctors, impressing the interns, and proving to everyone, including myself, how determined I can become.
My pain level is way down. A huge accomplishment, but I have still been quite restricted in my activity. I'm asking the PT a lot of questions tomorrow, including the inevitability of me returning in January. There are so many stairs to get up to campus. Each one a challenge. I know I can do it, I just need the chance. And the faith.

Oh, is life good.

In other news (I feel like I never include any of this in here, I need to.):

This is my siblings' last week of school, and their finals are today and tomorrow. Do you realize just how close twelve days is? Christmas is HERE. I love it. We put up our Christmas lights last night, and even if we were the last ones on our street to do so, they look fabulousss. Be jealous.

I've been swimming a bunch lately to improve my strength (and goodness knows I need to be more toned. I miss my P90X body!) in the freezing pool in my community. I swear it is about the temperature of an ice cube. Luke goes with me, with his little floaties, so he can jump in too. He loves the pool, it turns out, even with the ridiculous lack of warmth. He fell in yesterday, scared the poor kid. He couldn't get in again then. Today, tho, he was a studmuffin. He had to call me a pansy today and promise to jump in after me for me to be able to convince myself to jump in. He jumped in twice, even knowing how cold it would be! I've decided I need his bravery in Provo. Do you think my mama will let me bring him with me? (put in a good word. it could happen).

My mama ate the last of the cherry cordial Hershey's kisses today. That's right mom, I tattled.

And to end: Question. Can we plan a party for the weekend we all get back? :)

twenty four.

My vocabulary has proliferated in the last weeks. I blame the illustrious combination of chemistry book studying and a spontaneous Sherlock Holmes addiction.
More doctor today! I feel like that is all I do with my life, right now. This is a transient time of life, for me. My entire goal is to get better so I can move on from this, and never look back. Two months, total, with no thought in my head except that to recover, to heal. To endure the pain, for soon I would be without it. Soon I would be back. Better than before. Soon.
Oddly, that "soon" always seemed just out of reach. Something I wanted with my whole heart, with my whole being, that was just too far away for me to jump to. I can see it, January. That ever elusive month that I dream about. I want to go back to studying like crazy, to working, to serving, to living. I want soon.
It's weird to think that soon is actually, soon.
Twenty four days until January 1st, when I presume I will be leaving (at the latest) for Provo. Twelve days until Meg (I miss you seeester!) returns for Christmas break. Four months of semester, of opportunity, just waiting for me. I must make my triumphant return, and make this semester the beginning of my life. The rest of my life. I never want to return to what I was living with. The pain I was in is not a part of life, it's a problem. I still believe that life does not stop for pain, but my mind has shifted. I will do whatever it takes to fix it and move on, not hide it. I'm going to stop putting the people I love in as much pain I'm in. This is going to be different.

And to prove it, this is how I am going to make it different.

1. I will not settle for pain. It's not okay. Life is meant to be enjoyed, lived to the fullest. I don't need to limit myself, limit my capabilities, any longer.

2. I'm going to bring the sunshine with me to Provo. Perhaps it won't be the literal, warm your face kind of sun. However, I have learned more about myself in the last two months than I ever believed possible. I want to warm the hearts of the people around me, by making them realize their capabilities, their potential. I want to help them realize how incredible they are by loving them for who they are.

3. I am going to prove to myself that I can do it. I am going to make school my priority, my talent. I've struggled with school since high school, because I learn easily, but don't make the effort to perform well. I remember the most insane things from high school. I'm a quick learner when it comes to anything "hands-on". Now, I will be a quick learner in every aspect. Watch out BYU. Here I come.

4. I am going to make sure that I keep God close. It's easy to keep Him close when the times are hard, when you need something. I'm learning that I always need Him with me, and how much I can learn from Him. I want to keep this clean sweet feeling.


And that's it, for now.
 But that's everything to me. I need to keep this. To remember it. To work for it.
So I will.

p.s. -- that's my family. on the mOOn. love them.

teliferous.

Teliferous: bearing missiles. I think this might be one of my new favorite words, to be used most accurately during a vicious nerf war.

Other than that. Life is somewhat the same, here in Arizona. Sometimes it's harder than others, especially nights. The consistent pain that I am so used to, the lower back pain, is shifting. It's different now, and I know it means nothing but progress and good things. Let me tell you, though, it is really difficult to get used to. Two ibuprofen will knock me out at night for about four hours, until I wake up drowsy and drugged from pain. I took five last night. If you get anything from me today that makes no sense, that would be why.

I talked to my PT on Friday, asking the specific questions that most doctors expect but don't enjoy.

Q: Am I going to be able to go back in January to school? I have to go back, I'll do whatever it takes; but is it plausible?

A: I plan on getting you back. I know a few good PTs in Provo, that's where I trained while I was in school. I'll give you their information and everything when it is closer to your departure. As for what you'll be able to do, I'm not sure yet. I hope you don't have to go to PT as often there as you are here, but we'll figure it out as we go.

Q: Am I making any progress?

A: I believe you are. It's going to take a lot of work. The biggest problem we have right now is your general weakness. It's good, because we can condition them to do what we need them to, and to restrengthen them with your SI healing in mind. That was part of the problem before, your muscles would pull the hip into rotation pretty quickly on their own. It's quite easy for me to get it back in place now, because you are so loose. I shouldn't be able to do it three times a week, you see. Your muscles should be holding it in place better. So we have to build those up first, and then we can get you to be doing more normal things.


And that's the update, for now.

ta-da!

My MRI results came today in the mail. Are you ready for this?!

LUMBAR SPINE MRI WITHOUT GADOLINIUM

Conus medullaris is at T12.
T12-L1 is normal.
L1-L2 is normal.
L2-L3 is normal.
L3-L4 is normal.
L4-L5 is normal.
L5-S1 is normal.
The remaining marrow signal, cauda equina, posterior articular facets, foramina and paravertebral soft tissues are normal.

IMPRESSION:
Normal lumbar spine MRI.

Holy success batman.