More doctor today! I feel like that is all I do with my life, right now. This is a transient time of life, for me. My entire goal is to get better so I can move on from this, and never look back. Two months, total, with no thought in my head except that to recover, to heal. To endure the pain, for soon I would be without it. Soon I would be back. Better than before. Soon.
Oddly, that "soon" always seemed just out of reach. Something I wanted with my whole heart, with my whole being, that was just too far away for me to jump to. I can see it, January. That ever elusive month that I dream about. I want to go back to studying like crazy, to working, to serving, to living. I want soon.
It's weird to think that soon is actually, soon.
Twenty four days until January 1st, when I presume I will be leaving (at the latest) for Provo. Twelve days until Meg (I miss you seeester!) returns for Christmas break. Four months of semester, of opportunity, just waiting for me. I must make my triumphant return, and make this semester the beginning of my life. The rest of my life. I never want to return to what I was living with. The pain I was in is not a part of life, it's a problem. I still believe that life does not stop for pain, but my mind has shifted. I will do whatever it takes to fix it and move on, not hide it. I'm going to stop putting the people I love in as much pain I'm in. This is going to be different.
And to prove it, this is how I am going to make it different.
1. I will not settle for pain. It's not okay. Life is meant to be enjoyed, lived to the fullest. I don't need to limit myself, limit my capabilities, any longer.
2. I'm going to bring the sunshine with me to Provo. Perhaps it won't be the literal, warm your face kind of sun. However, I have learned more about myself in the last two months than I ever believed possible. I want to warm the hearts of the people around me, by making them realize their capabilities, their potential. I want to help them realize how incredible they are by loving them for who they are.
3. I am going to prove to myself that I can do it. I am going to make school my priority, my talent. I've struggled with school since high school, because I learn easily, but don't make the effort to perform well. I remember the most insane things from high school. I'm a quick learner when it comes to anything "hands-on". Now, I will be a quick learner in every aspect. Watch out BYU. Here I come.
4. I am going to make sure that I keep God close. It's easy to keep Him close when the times are hard, when you need something. I'm learning that I always need Him with me, and how much I can learn from Him. I want to keep this clean sweet feeling.
And that's it, for now.
But that's everything to me. I need to keep this. To remember it. To work for it.
So I will.
p.s. -- that's my family. on the mOOn. love them.
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