THere is a massive list of things I do, I can do, and I can't do. It goes forever. Really. My PT gave me very specific things today that I can and can't do, with time frames, for now. If I put them here, maybe I will be more diligent in keeping them.
1. NO squats. Minimum of a year.
2. NO lunges. Minimum of a year.
3. No weights on the shoulders, meaning no shoulders presses and the like. with the exception of lat pulls, to be done on a machine only. Minimum of a year.
4. Continuous training. Wall sits, superman adaptations, quadriped, core strengthening, physio ball work, leg presses, hamstring curls, etc.
5. Most nirtulus machines are okay, but careful attention to hip and core strengthening.
6. Bench press and incline okay, with careful attention to not over do it and strain my back. Must do with knees up, feet on bench instead of floor.
That's just the beginning, but you get the idea.
So while there is a list, a long list of adventurous things that can and can't be undertaken, I know what I'm doing now. I know how to get my hip to stay in place, I know what it feels like when it isn't. This last year has been an adventure, in a way that I'm not sure I could handle again. But God is good, and He has never left my side. He has strengthened me through it all, and He has taught me humility and to care for myself in a new way. I'm super stoked to go back, even with all the things I will not be able to do. Six days. I can do it, I can become better. And you better believe I will, with the help and grace of God.
New year. New me. Healthier, smarter. Stronger.
It's a good idea, if you ask me. :)
Monday, December 27, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
treasure.
"I'm so proud of you, girl! You're going to make it!!"
I don't know if you can fully comprehend the impact those words had on me, this fine Friday morning, but I do. I grinned and finished icing, before walking into the parking lot. I started to cry in the car, the triumph and sweet joy more than I could contain.
I'm going to make it.
I don't know if you can fully comprehend the impact those words had on me, this fine Friday morning, but I do. I grinned and finished icing, before walking into the parking lot. I started to cry in the car, the triumph and sweet joy more than I could contain.
I'm going to make it.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
t-minus.
I'm racing the calendar, these days. T-minus twelve days until Christmas, seventeen days until January, twenty days until the semester starts. So much to do, so much to accomplish. The best thing about it, other than the glorious feeling of being busy and having a schedule, is I am. I'm succeeding, doing work, showing up the doctors, impressing the interns, and proving to everyone, including myself, how determined I can become.
My pain level is way down. A huge accomplishment, but I have still been quite restricted in my activity. I'm asking the PT a lot of questions tomorrow, including the inevitability of me returning in January. There are so many stairs to get up to campus. Each one a challenge. I know I can do it, I just need the chance. And the faith.
Oh, is life good.
In other news (I feel like I never include any of this in here, I need to.):
This is my siblings' last week of school, and their finals are today and tomorrow. Do you realize just how close twelve days is? Christmas is HERE. I love it. We put up our Christmas lights last night, and even if we were the last ones on our street to do so, they look fabulousss. Be jealous.
I've been swimming a bunch lately to improve my strength (and goodness knows I need to be more toned. I miss my P90X body!) in the freezing pool in my community. I swear it is about the temperature of an ice cube. Luke goes with me, with his little floaties, so he can jump in too. He loves the pool, it turns out, even with the ridiculous lack of warmth. He fell in yesterday, scared the poor kid. He couldn't get in again then. Today, tho, he was a studmuffin. He had to call me a pansy today and promise to jump in after me for me to be able to convince myself to jump in. He jumped in twice, even knowing how cold it would be! I've decided I need his bravery in Provo. Do you think my mama will let me bring him with me? (put in a good word. it could happen).
My mama ate the last of the cherry cordial Hershey's kisses today. That's right mom, I tattled.
And to end: Question. Can we plan a party for the weekend we all get back? :)
My pain level is way down. A huge accomplishment, but I have still been quite restricted in my activity. I'm asking the PT a lot of questions tomorrow, including the inevitability of me returning in January. There are so many stairs to get up to campus. Each one a challenge. I know I can do it, I just need the chance. And the faith.
Oh, is life good.
In other news (I feel like I never include any of this in here, I need to.):
This is my siblings' last week of school, and their finals are today and tomorrow. Do you realize just how close twelve days is? Christmas is HERE. I love it. We put up our Christmas lights last night, and even if we were the last ones on our street to do so, they look fabulousss. Be jealous.
I've been swimming a bunch lately to improve my strength (and goodness knows I need to be more toned. I miss my P90X body!) in the freezing pool in my community. I swear it is about the temperature of an ice cube. Luke goes with me, with his little floaties, so he can jump in too. He loves the pool, it turns out, even with the ridiculous lack of warmth. He fell in yesterday, scared the poor kid. He couldn't get in again then. Today, tho, he was a studmuffin. He had to call me a pansy today and promise to jump in after me for me to be able to convince myself to jump in. He jumped in twice, even knowing how cold it would be! I've decided I need his bravery in Provo. Do you think my mama will let me bring him with me? (put in a good word. it could happen).
My mama ate the last of the cherry cordial Hershey's kisses today. That's right mom, I tattled.
And to end: Question. Can we plan a party for the weekend we all get back? :)
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
twenty four.
My vocabulary has proliferated in the last weeks. I blame the illustrious combination of chemistry book studying and a spontaneous Sherlock Holmes addiction.
More doctor today! I feel like that is all I do with my life, right now. This is a transient time of life, for me. My entire goal is to get better so I can move on from this, and never look back. Two months, total, with no thought in my head except that to recover, to heal. To endure the pain, for soon I would be without it. Soon I would be back. Better than before. Soon.
Oddly, that "soon" always seemed just out of reach. Something I wanted with my whole heart, with my whole being, that was just too far away for me to jump to. I can see it, January. That ever elusive month that I dream about. I want to go back to studying like crazy, to working, to serving, to living. I want soon.
It's weird to think that soon is actually, soon.
Twenty four days until January 1st, when I presume I will be leaving (at the latest) for Provo. Twelve days until Meg (I miss you seeester!) returns for Christmas break. Four months of semester, of opportunity, just waiting for me. I must make my triumphant return, and make this semester the beginning of my life. The rest of my life. I never want to return to what I was living with. The pain I was in is not a part of life, it's a problem. I still believe that life does not stop for pain, but my mind has shifted. I will do whatever it takes to fix it and move on, not hide it. I'm going to stop putting the people I love in as much pain I'm in. This is going to be different.
And to prove it, this is how I am going to make it different.
1. I will not settle for pain. It's not okay. Life is meant to be enjoyed, lived to the fullest. I don't need to limit myself, limit my capabilities, any longer.
2. I'm going to bring the sunshine with me to Provo. Perhaps it won't be the literal, warm your face kind of sun. However, I have learned more about myself in the last two months than I ever believed possible. I want to warm the hearts of the people around me, by making them realize their capabilities, their potential. I want to help them realize how incredible they are by loving them for who they are.
3. I am going to prove to myself that I can do it. I am going to make school my priority, my talent. I've struggled with school since high school, because I learn easily, but don't make the effort to perform well. I remember the most insane things from high school. I'm a quick learner when it comes to anything "hands-on". Now, I will be a quick learner in every aspect. Watch out BYU. Here I come.
4. I am going to make sure that I keep God close. It's easy to keep Him close when the times are hard, when you need something. I'm learning that I always need Him with me, and how much I can learn from Him. I want to keep this clean sweet feeling.
And that's it, for now.
But that's everything to me. I need to keep this. To remember it. To work for it.
So I will.
p.s. -- that's my family. on the mOOn. love them.
More doctor today! I feel like that is all I do with my life, right now. This is a transient time of life, for me. My entire goal is to get better so I can move on from this, and never look back. Two months, total, with no thought in my head except that to recover, to heal. To endure the pain, for soon I would be without it. Soon I would be back. Better than before. Soon.
Oddly, that "soon" always seemed just out of reach. Something I wanted with my whole heart, with my whole being, that was just too far away for me to jump to. I can see it, January. That ever elusive month that I dream about. I want to go back to studying like crazy, to working, to serving, to living. I want soon.
It's weird to think that soon is actually, soon.
Twenty four days until January 1st, when I presume I will be leaving (at the latest) for Provo. Twelve days until Meg (I miss you seeester!) returns for Christmas break. Four months of semester, of opportunity, just waiting for me. I must make my triumphant return, and make this semester the beginning of my life. The rest of my life. I never want to return to what I was living with. The pain I was in is not a part of life, it's a problem. I still believe that life does not stop for pain, but my mind has shifted. I will do whatever it takes to fix it and move on, not hide it. I'm going to stop putting the people I love in as much pain I'm in. This is going to be different.
And to prove it, this is how I am going to make it different.
1. I will not settle for pain. It's not okay. Life is meant to be enjoyed, lived to the fullest. I don't need to limit myself, limit my capabilities, any longer.
2. I'm going to bring the sunshine with me to Provo. Perhaps it won't be the literal, warm your face kind of sun. However, I have learned more about myself in the last two months than I ever believed possible. I want to warm the hearts of the people around me, by making them realize their capabilities, their potential. I want to help them realize how incredible they are by loving them for who they are.
3. I am going to prove to myself that I can do it. I am going to make school my priority, my talent. I've struggled with school since high school, because I learn easily, but don't make the effort to perform well. I remember the most insane things from high school. I'm a quick learner when it comes to anything "hands-on". Now, I will be a quick learner in every aspect. Watch out BYU. Here I come.
4. I am going to make sure that I keep God close. It's easy to keep Him close when the times are hard, when you need something. I'm learning that I always need Him with me, and how much I can learn from Him. I want to keep this clean sweet feeling.
And that's it, for now.
But that's everything to me. I need to keep this. To remember it. To work for it.
So I will.
p.s. -- that's my family. on the mOOn. love them.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
teliferous.
Teliferous: bearing missiles. I think this might be one of my new favorite words, to be used most accurately during a vicious nerf war.
Other than that. Life is somewhat the same, here in Arizona. Sometimes it's harder than others, especially nights. The consistent pain that I am so used to, the lower back pain, is shifting. It's different now, and I know it means nothing but progress and good things. Let me tell you, though, it is really difficult to get used to. Two ibuprofen will knock me out at night for about four hours, until I wake up drowsy and drugged from pain. I took five last night. If you get anything from me today that makes no sense, that would be why.
I talked to my PT on Friday, asking the specific questions that most doctors expect but don't enjoy.
Q: Am I going to be able to go back in January to school? I have to go back, I'll do whatever it takes; but is it plausible?
A: I plan on getting you back. I know a few good PTs in Provo, that's where I trained while I was in school. I'll give you their information and everything when it is closer to your departure. As for what you'll be able to do, I'm not sure yet. I hope you don't have to go to PT as often there as you are here, but we'll figure it out as we go.
Q: Am I making any progress?
A: I believe you are. It's going to take a lot of work. The biggest problem we have right now is your general weakness. It's good, because we can condition them to do what we need them to, and to restrengthen them with your SI healing in mind. That was part of the problem before, your muscles would pull the hip into rotation pretty quickly on their own. It's quite easy for me to get it back in place now, because you are so loose. I shouldn't be able to do it three times a week, you see. Your muscles should be holding it in place better. So we have to build those up first, and then we can get you to be doing more normal things.
And that's the update, for now.
Other than that. Life is somewhat the same, here in Arizona. Sometimes it's harder than others, especially nights. The consistent pain that I am so used to, the lower back pain, is shifting. It's different now, and I know it means nothing but progress and good things. Let me tell you, though, it is really difficult to get used to. Two ibuprofen will knock me out at night for about four hours, until I wake up drowsy and drugged from pain. I took five last night. If you get anything from me today that makes no sense, that would be why.
I talked to my PT on Friday, asking the specific questions that most doctors expect but don't enjoy.
Q: Am I going to be able to go back in January to school? I have to go back, I'll do whatever it takes; but is it plausible?
A: I plan on getting you back. I know a few good PTs in Provo, that's where I trained while I was in school. I'll give you their information and everything when it is closer to your departure. As for what you'll be able to do, I'm not sure yet. I hope you don't have to go to PT as often there as you are here, but we'll figure it out as we go.
Q: Am I making any progress?
A: I believe you are. It's going to take a lot of work. The biggest problem we have right now is your general weakness. It's good, because we can condition them to do what we need them to, and to restrengthen them with your SI healing in mind. That was part of the problem before, your muscles would pull the hip into rotation pretty quickly on their own. It's quite easy for me to get it back in place now, because you are so loose. I shouldn't be able to do it three times a week, you see. Your muscles should be holding it in place better. So we have to build those up first, and then we can get you to be doing more normal things.
And that's the update, for now.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
ta-da!
My MRI results came today in the mail. Are you ready for this?!
LUMBAR SPINE MRI WITHOUT GADOLINIUM
Conus medullaris is at T12.
T12-L1 is normal.
L1-L2 is normal.
L2-L3 is normal.
L3-L4 is normal.
L4-L5 is normal.
L5-S1 is normal.
The remaining marrow signal, cauda equina, posterior articular facets, foramina and paravertebral soft tissues are normal.
IMPRESSION:
Normal lumbar spine MRI.
Holy success batman.
LUMBAR SPINE MRI WITHOUT GADOLINIUM
Conus medullaris is at T12.
T12-L1 is normal.
L1-L2 is normal.
L2-L3 is normal.
L3-L4 is normal.
L4-L5 is normal.
L5-S1 is normal.
The remaining marrow signal, cauda equina, posterior articular facets, foramina and paravertebral soft tissues are normal.
IMPRESSION:
Normal lumbar spine MRI.
Holy success batman.
Monday, November 29, 2010
sweat.
Ah, how I love the sound of that. Sweat. Work. Effort. It's something that, as an invalid, you either forget or become more obsessed with overtime. I am most definitely the second. I look for ways to challenge myself, to make the next day a sore one. Soreness is earned. It is deserved. And it is glorious.
I definitely earned it today. I went to a Physical Therapist for the first time, and I can easily say it is exactly what I expected, in the most ebullient way possible. Mandy, the PT, said that it is my SI, the same thing that Ron the MT said. I take that as a good sign. Well, heat and electrotherapy and exercises and stretches later, and I'm happier than a clam. Seriously? Who decided a clam could be happy? I, on the other hand, got to do squats today! Low impact, sure, and limited resistance. But I got to do squats! AH!
The massage was super intense. Apparently the SI rotation of my right hip has put my back in a state of chronic spasm, meaning that all the muscles are contorted and tight in ways that they definitely should not be. Chronic spasm, crazy thought, right? But true. Elbows and hands and tears later, I was more loose. It will take a little while to get it less tight/spasmed, but action is being taken. And life is progressing.
Isn't it mahhvelous?
I definitely earned it today. I went to a Physical Therapist for the first time, and I can easily say it is exactly what I expected, in the most ebullient way possible. Mandy, the PT, said that it is my SI, the same thing that Ron the MT said. I take that as a good sign. Well, heat and electrotherapy and exercises and stretches later, and I'm happier than a clam. Seriously? Who decided a clam could be happy? I, on the other hand, got to do squats today! Low impact, sure, and limited resistance. But I got to do squats! AH!
The massage was super intense. Apparently the SI rotation of my right hip has put my back in a state of chronic spasm, meaning that all the muscles are contorted and tight in ways that they definitely should not be. Chronic spasm, crazy thought, right? But true. Elbows and hands and tears later, I was more loose. It will take a little while to get it less tight/spasmed, but action is being taken. And life is progressing.
Isn't it mahhvelous?
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
stupendous, superb, never superfluous words of praise!
Today was another adventure, in the realm of back injury. I spent eight hours driving, waiting, getting treatment, getting an MRI, more waiting, more paperwork, etc: but to a great end!
I don't have to have surgery!
I have SO much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday!
I don't have to have surgery!
I have SO much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
stubborn.
Eventful. Sometimes, I wish life wasn't as eventful as it always is. It would be easier to keep up with.
Wednesday, I drove myself up to Prescott and back for my chiropractic visit. It had to be one of the most intense things I have done in months, on my own. You know you're in trouble when Doctor Benson, the never serious miracle worker who has only looked concerned at you once before, looks at you funny and tells you: "Take it easy, hon. Have a safe drive." But I made it, both ways, without incident. A blessing in and of itself. Not being able to walk well the rest of the day made for an intriguing situation at home, but it was to be expected.
My grandparents visited this weekend, too. Unexpected? You betta believe it. I'm still not sure what their excuse was for visiting, but it seemed to me that they wanted to see how fast I could walk, how bad it really was. We went out to dinner with the grandparents and the uncle's fam, Friday night. Such a pity case. That side of my family has never really made an effort to talk to me about anything but the situation in which we are all stuck, but it seemed they went out of their way to make me smile. I must have looked horrible, but dang, how I wish I wasn't the object of their pity. Anyways, the result of that particular visit with my grandparents was a phone call to my dad the day they left. They want me to move to California with them, to be put on their payroll and medical insurance, and see the doctors at Kaiser Permanente, the hospital I was born at.
Shock? an infinite amount. The most prevailing thought that entered my mind: what difference would it make? I haven't made enough progress in the month that I have been home. I know it, my parents know it. I am feeling less pain, on a regular basis, but I can't do anything, and that's not okay with me. My parents are finally making an MRI a priority, so I should have one soon. I pray that I do. After which, we will see a specialist, my orthopedic surgeon, and whatever other doctor can help me on the way. This doesn't mean that surgery is next, but it means we sure as hell are going to figure this out. Insert grandparents: what difference would it make? Would I still be able to see a chiropractor who practices the NUCA technique that I love so much from Doctor Benson? probably not. But medical care, the specialist and orthopedic surgeon and MRI, are probably standard. The only difference I could discern was that of location: with my mom and immediate family, or with my two grandparents.
I'm still not sure what's going to happen next, and it kills me. All of the finances for next semester are covered, I got every class I needed, and while we still don't know what will happen, at this rate I will not be in Provo in January. I keep praying, I keep hoping, and I keep working.
I will do everything it takes to get back. Back to Provo, back to school, back to ME.
You can bet on it.
Wednesday, I drove myself up to Prescott and back for my chiropractic visit. It had to be one of the most intense things I have done in months, on my own. You know you're in trouble when Doctor Benson, the never serious miracle worker who has only looked concerned at you once before, looks at you funny and tells you: "Take it easy, hon. Have a safe drive." But I made it, both ways, without incident. A blessing in and of itself. Not being able to walk well the rest of the day made for an intriguing situation at home, but it was to be expected.
My grandparents visited this weekend, too. Unexpected? You betta believe it. I'm still not sure what their excuse was for visiting, but it seemed to me that they wanted to see how fast I could walk, how bad it really was. We went out to dinner with the grandparents and the uncle's fam, Friday night. Such a pity case. That side of my family has never really made an effort to talk to me about anything but the situation in which we are all stuck, but it seemed they went out of their way to make me smile. I must have looked horrible, but dang, how I wish I wasn't the object of their pity. Anyways, the result of that particular visit with my grandparents was a phone call to my dad the day they left. They want me to move to California with them, to be put on their payroll and medical insurance, and see the doctors at Kaiser Permanente, the hospital I was born at.
Shock? an infinite amount. The most prevailing thought that entered my mind: what difference would it make? I haven't made enough progress in the month that I have been home. I know it, my parents know it. I am feeling less pain, on a regular basis, but I can't do anything, and that's not okay with me. My parents are finally making an MRI a priority, so I should have one soon. I pray that I do. After which, we will see a specialist, my orthopedic surgeon, and whatever other doctor can help me on the way. This doesn't mean that surgery is next, but it means we sure as hell are going to figure this out. Insert grandparents: what difference would it make? Would I still be able to see a chiropractor who practices the NUCA technique that I love so much from Doctor Benson? probably not. But medical care, the specialist and orthopedic surgeon and MRI, are probably standard. The only difference I could discern was that of location: with my mom and immediate family, or with my two grandparents.
I'm still not sure what's going to happen next, and it kills me. All of the finances for next semester are covered, I got every class I needed, and while we still don't know what will happen, at this rate I will not be in Provo in January. I keep praying, I keep hoping, and I keep working.
I will do everything it takes to get back. Back to Provo, back to school, back to ME.
You can bet on it.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
solo.
Note to self: do not wait 11 days between chiropractor visits when you are trying a recovery path that is dependent on consistency.
p.s. -- OHMYAWESOME. I got three grants for going back to school Winter Semester! Huzzah for all of school's expenses being covered!
p.p.s -- Oh. Hold the awesome. I still can't register. Stinkin BYU. However, I do not let this daunt me. I'm going back, I'm going to be better, and I'm going to kick trash. Get back.
Long wait = seriously dramatic adjustment, let me tell you. I think I cried half the way home, on a 2 and a half hour drive. That intense. There was good news too, though! My PT is getting more involved, and I get to start lifting very limited weights, with very specific exercises. Riding my bike, as of right now, is still a no. SO incredibly jealous of my madre, who just went on a ride today. I miss that bike. But Dr. Benson says to keep my back straight, no twisting, and work harder, and I should keep improving.
Oh! Another thing. My dad's striping business, FMK Construction, LLC, is doing work on the Prescott Airport this week. Guess what that means? I will be spending a minimum of three days in a hotel in Prescott so that I can see the chiropractor every day. To be expected: resting and icing and studying for school and practicing guitar and anything else I can come up with to keep me busy in a hotel by myself. It will be grand.
If you hear anything odd from me in the next few days, I blame it on being by myself. It makes me go .. hehe.. bonkers.
p.s. -- OHMYAWESOME. I got three grants for going back to school Winter Semester! Huzzah for all of school's expenses being covered!
p.p.s -- Oh. Hold the awesome. I still can't register. Stinkin BYU. However, I do not let this daunt me. I'm going back, I'm going to be better, and I'm going to kick trash. Get back.
Monday, November 1, 2010
stride.
a regular or steady course.
recovery.
It seems to me that time is reversed, from when we were kids. Remember when a day felt like a whole year? It took forever, and you were always wanting to do other things, and parents seemed so slow. Then you grow up. Now a year feels like a day, and there is never time to do anything you need to, let alone things you want to. Unless you're held in suspension, or stuck in a very steady, controlled course.
Doctor Brian visit again, today. We asked more questions, tried to figure more out. I've been home for almost two weeks now, and I never dreamed that I still would not know for sure what was wrong, what I had done to my poor battered self. There is only one bit of news.
I'm making progress. Slowly but surely. And, as for right now, surgery is a no.
(!!!)
I nearly cried hearing those words. Yet I'm afraid to get my hopes up, knowing that I potentially maybe BETTER have an MRI this weekend. It's all on the MRI now. I have to know, I have to know, I have to know. PT exercises start tomorrow, as well as studying up for school in Winter (a bonus of having my books with me) and more resting and icing. We found my cooler from my knee surgery, which should help.
recovery. one step at a time.
steady as the beating drum?
Monday, October 25, 2010
perpetual.
I went to the chiropractor today. It was such a blessing I got to go in, that there was an opening.
My mama let me drive, on the way there, and it was fantastic. I made little "vroom vroom" sounds as I passed people ( I had to drive fast , of course ), had dance parties with my brother, and made a two and a half hour drive cut down to a one and a half excursion of awesomeness.
Of course, every good thing has to end.
I just love my chiropractor, Dr. Benson. We all call him Doctor Brian, because we've known him for 8 ish years now. Forever, to say the least. He uses this technique that is seriously practiced nowhere else in the entire known universe. He's that awesome. Anyways, he adjusts me today (and no scary popping, or crying, or stoppage of breathing.. it's brilliant), and tells me news that I'm not sure I want to hear.
My L4 disc is tipped. Ironically, when my dad broke his back, it was his L4 vertebra. Coincidence.
I have yet to have an MRI. I don't know the entire extent of ridiculous torment I've placed on my poor L4 disc, but at the very least, it is swelling under an intense amount of compression and stress, a.k.a. a bulge. It is possibly torn, as well, but only an MRI will show that. As such, I'm restricted to walking, resting, ice, and a few exercises from PT. Oh, and jamming out on the guitar with my seester.
I started the rest of the day off with a collapse in a mall, a long drive home, another collapse on my floor in the living room, and an utter resignation. So I built an island, on the floor of my living room, that has been named Sparta by the one and only seester of mine in Utah. The floor turned into lava, according to my brother, so Island Sparta is protecting me today, it seems.
Oh, and I love my daddy. He wanted to talk to me while he was working for his striping company, so while he was outside stripping his stencils of the paint so he can make aluminum stencils for the airport, he had me sit down on a bucket next to him and peel paint off with my fingers. To give me something to do, and make me focus on a new pain. My fingers are raw, and it's a beautiful thing.
All in all, a good day. An informative one. And a blessed one. Looking forward to the next.
My mama let me drive, on the way there, and it was fantastic. I made little "vroom vroom" sounds as I passed people ( I had to drive fast , of course ), had dance parties with my brother, and made a two and a half hour drive cut down to a one and a half excursion of awesomeness.
Of course, every good thing has to end.
I just love my chiropractor, Dr. Benson. We all call him Doctor Brian, because we've known him for 8 ish years now. Forever, to say the least. He uses this technique that is seriously practiced nowhere else in the entire known universe. He's that awesome. Anyways, he adjusts me today (and no scary popping, or crying, or stoppage of breathing.. it's brilliant), and tells me news that I'm not sure I want to hear.
My L4 disc is tipped. Ironically, when my dad broke his back, it was his L4 vertebra. Coincidence.
I have yet to have an MRI. I don't know the entire extent of ridiculous torment I've placed on my poor L4 disc, but at the very least, it is swelling under an intense amount of compression and stress, a.k.a. a bulge. It is possibly torn, as well, but only an MRI will show that. As such, I'm restricted to walking, resting, ice, and a few exercises from PT. Oh, and jamming out on the guitar with my seester.
I started the rest of the day off with a collapse in a mall, a long drive home, another collapse on my floor in the living room, and an utter resignation. So I built an island, on the floor of my living room, that has been named Sparta by the one and only seester of mine in Utah. The floor turned into lava, according to my brother, so Island Sparta is protecting me today, it seems.
Oh, and I love my daddy. He wanted to talk to me while he was working for his striping company, so while he was outside stripping his stencils of the paint so he can make aluminum stencils for the airport, he had me sit down on a bucket next to him and peel paint off with my fingers. To give me something to do, and make me focus on a new pain. My fingers are raw, and it's a beautiful thing.
All in all, a good day. An informative one. And a blessed one. Looking forward to the next.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
pensive.
I wish you were here. But you're not, you're there. And there doesn't know how lucky it is.
Just a short update, today, so as not to completely overwhelm myself. I find myself so blessed, and I do not regret coming home in the slightest. I needed to come home and be with family. God blesses me so very much, with strength when I feel completely without, with hope when I feel entirely downtrodden, with a smile when it seems impossible to smile. He gives me so much.
I wish I could change how much I affect the people around me; that would be the one thing I change about this situation. I can get through the pain, it is but a physical ailment that I need to endure. I am supposed to learn from it. The helplessness I see in the eyes around me, in those watching me go through this, hurts more than my back does. My mom cried yesterday, without comfort, because I was in pain. I try to be strong, but it doesn't help.
I keep praying for the best, as I suppose I must.
We hopefully will be able to get in to the chiropractor tomorrow morning, for my second appointment. We're not sure yet, but I'm praying for it. If it happens any other day this week, I will have to go myself: driving two and a half hours up and back. Fingers crossed, heart praying. Here goes nothing.
Just a short update, today, so as not to completely overwhelm myself. I find myself so blessed, and I do not regret coming home in the slightest. I needed to come home and be with family. God blesses me so very much, with strength when I feel completely without, with hope when I feel entirely downtrodden, with a smile when it seems impossible to smile. He gives me so much.
I wish I could change how much I affect the people around me; that would be the one thing I change about this situation. I can get through the pain, it is but a physical ailment that I need to endure. I am supposed to learn from it. The helplessness I see in the eyes around me, in those watching me go through this, hurts more than my back does. My mom cried yesterday, without comfort, because I was in pain. I try to be strong, but it doesn't help.
I keep praying for the best, as I suppose I must.
We hopefully will be able to get in to the chiropractor tomorrow morning, for my second appointment. We're not sure yet, but I'm praying for it. If it happens any other day this week, I will have to go myself: driving two and a half hours up and back. Fingers crossed, heart praying. Here goes nothing.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
patience.
wait and hope.
I must have patience with myself, and with the people around me. This may be one of the hardest times in my entire life, but I will make it through. God is good, so life is good.
I went to MY chiropractor today, a blessing I have taken for granted. The diagnosis, as of yet, is that my L4 disc is tipped a weird direction, causing bulging, inflammation, and all of the rest of this adventure. We are going to do everything we can to avoid surgery, thank the Lord. It's a long drive to that doctor, but that honesty and incredible technique is worth it.
There are obviously many reasons I was supposed to come home. I know that I am supposed to be enduring this trial, as I learn so much in every moment of every day. And I know that God is with me; I feel Him strengthening me in my moments of weakness, giving me hope in my moments of despair. No matter what happens, Christ has the power to heal me. And He will, if I am strong. If I am faithful. If I never give up.
My family is so incredible. I feel like I haven't seen them in years, in how much they've changed; and yet, they are still the exact same people. My brothers are still just as crazy as I am, my sisters just as dramatic. When my oldest brother told me he had his seminary class pray for me, though, I thought I would die from the incredible spirit that overcame me. He is such a powerful example to me, of the faith that I need to have and obtain. I am so grateful that I have the chance to go through this with them.
Those are the contents of my heart.
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